


four letter words

by grahamcracker76



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24634117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grahamcracker76/pseuds/grahamcracker76
Summary: Love. It is the only word for what Spock feels, and he can deny it no longer.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 8
Kudos: 60





	four letter words

**Author's Note:**

> I finished rewatching STID, and it always gives me so many feels - this is just me letting them out. (:

The day Jim Kirk dies and returns to life is also the day Spock realizes he has certain... feelings for his Captain. Big, messy, complicated feelings he does not yet fully comprehend. Feelings of the four letter variety, which Spock has actively avoided, denied, and ignored for so long. Feelings which, it is becoming clear, he can ignore no longer.

On that fateful day, he feels fear, pain, rage, and then, miraculously: hope. Kirk was dead, but he can be saved. _Jim_ can be saved, and Spock will do anything in his power to make that happen, because _Jim Kirk_ and _dead_ are words that should not belong in the same sentence.

So as Spock grudgingly spares Khan’s life so that Jim may live, he thinks he finally understands what the Captain meant when he wanted him to know why he came back for Spock that day at the volcano; why in his last moments he so desperately needed Spock to _understand._ Spock finally knows the truth, and he thinks part of him suspected it all along, because it is not only friendship between them. Perhaps it has always been there, just beneath the surface:

_Love._

After losing his planet and his mother, Spock never thought he would know that particular emotion again. He had told Nyota of his conclusions as he explained why he must terminate their romantic relationship.

She looked at him with pity in her gaze, but she remained unfailingly kind. “You will feel love again,” she told him quietly, “and when you do, I don’t want you to feel guilty for it.”

He had merely raised an eyebrow in response. “Guilt is illogical,” he said, but Nyota only shook her head, a small smile on her lips.

“Just… remember what I said,” she told him as she leaned in to pull him close. “And Spock - i don’t regret a single moment.”

So they said their goodbyes and Spock carefully locked away all feeling and threw away the key. Or at least, he thought he had, until Jim Kirk died and the walls around his heart crumbled into dust.

_Love._ It feels like sunlight, breaking through the dark storm clouds of Spock’s anger and rage, as warm and bright and brilliant as Jim himself. Jim is _alive_ , and this is all that matters.

_Love._ It is what keeps Spock by Jim’s side, when before he would have scorned such action as entirely illogical. There is no reason for him to remain here, as Jim remains completely unaware of his presence. There is no reason for his actions, but Spock is finding reason seems to have little to do with love.

_Love._ It is such a little word for such a big emotion, Spock thinks as he sits at Jim’s bedside, watching the monitors and counting each of his breaths.

_Love._ It is the only word for what Spock feels, and he can deny it no longer.

So Spock remains by Jim’s side, against all reason, against all logic. The nurses become used to his constant, watchful presence, and everyone quickly learns not to ask him to leave. McCoy merely fixes him with a knowing look and tells them to leave him alone. “Well, there’s no point in telling you to go, is there?” he says when Spock raises an enquiring brow.

“It is what the Captain would do if our positions were reversed,” Spock tells him simply.

The doctor’s eyes soften. “You can’t argue with that,” he agrees.

So Spock watches and waits, knowing that each beat of Jim’s heart is a gift. Spock watches and waits, knowing that soon Jim will wake, and that he will be there when he does.

***

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